Monday, December 8, 2008

So, I Must Accept it and Continue On

Well, I know I have not posted in months and months...I was so busy with websites that I put my own blog on the back burner. So much has happened.

My love, my life, my best friend, my heart.....my loving husband Mike passed away on November 12 of a sudden, massive heart attack. I am numb...just numb. I can't focus long enough to work on sites...and ask that my clients please give me time. They have all been wonderful. I am able to do a little more each day, but my mind is not in it right now, as I am sure you can understand.

First I stayed with my sons...but it felt wrong....I needed to be home, in our home. I feel better being here. I can still smell his scent ... his robe is still on the bathroom door, I can't bear to take it down. He is here with me, I feel it. I need him to be here with me, I can't seem to leave the house, although everyone is trying to make me do so. I don't want to. I feel better here. Leaving the house and doing things without him hurts immensely. Everyone wants me to come stay with them. I appreciate what they are trying to do, but right now, I need to stay here. I hope they understand that I may not be thinking so rational right now. But this is what I need. I sit in his chair. I listen to his music (he was a singer/songwriter) . I have to. I am too young to lose my husband. I know I am not the first, but it does not make it easier.
When I work on my computer, I get an email with some sort of good news, and get up and go to the living room to tell him....but he's not there. I just can't seem to accept this. He can't be gone. He is out somewhere and will be home soon. Thats what I have to make myself believe, otherwise I will lose my mind. We were so close, so very close.
We argued about nothing....well except the vacuum. He likes, or I should say, liked, his big old wet vac...I hated it....I just wanted a normal vacuum that I didn't have to lug around. He won.
Thats ok....
Now that it is almost a month....I finally instead of just feeling sorry for myself....I realize just how lucky I am. I was married for 28 years to a drop dead gorgeous, the best father in the world ,kind hearted to everyone he met. People who I could only tolerate...he always found the best in them. That was Mike. Everyone loved him...everyone.....but most of all, me. It was always so comforting having him around. When I started designing websites instead of working outside the home, we were together 24 hours a day. Still....no fights no arguments...we were a team...and knew what each other was thinking. I will always love him and miss him terribly.

Please forgive me for going on and probably making no sense. I needed to put my feelings in writing.

Now, I hope to update this blog regularly, take down last years christmas designs....and make my husband proud.

I love you Mike, I will always miss you....my heart is broken......I know you are singing from Heaven now....

2 comments:

Denise said...

Oh how my heart aches for you. I was close, very close to my husband as well so I totally understand the "getting up to go tell hims something."

Right now you need to do what makes you feel better but do try to get out once in awhile. Please email me at dms052564@yahoo.com I would love to say I know what you are going through but even I do not know what YOU are going through. But I can empathize, sympathize and totally relate. I have 2 ears, 2 ears and lots of cyber hugs waiting for you.

Denise said...

That should have been 2 ears, 2 SHOULDERS and cyber hugs. Sorry.